It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
