And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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