I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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