I'm so fucking centered right now
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My breasts were aching with rage.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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