This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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