Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
4 words: hood of his car
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
