ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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