He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
