Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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