I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
