Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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