I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
