Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
its liver damage thursday
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
