yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
