well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
