we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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