I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
