Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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