Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
this beer tastes like vomit already
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
