you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
