his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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