Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
