i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think I sprained my soul last night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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