The maid of honor just puked.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So much rum. So many feels.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
