somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
