woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize