Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
