i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
