but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My underwear smells like fireworks.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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