I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
