I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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