i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
