Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
