Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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