As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
