i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
