You just made me feel so damn special
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
