did you get engaged???
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
