Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
