A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
