these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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