Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
