my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
