The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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