i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
