Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Who died my cat blue again?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
