Apparently you make a good broom.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
