just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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