if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
