I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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