..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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