nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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