i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
