uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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