Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
