i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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