We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
