if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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