Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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