another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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