well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
