woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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