what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
